152.

Turn

I do not know the reasons why

Such little things can make me cry

Why glimpse of joy and happy days

Still keep me here alive with fears

Why strangers’ glance or tone of voice

Will make me block off one more choice

And dreamers’ hope for warm embrace

Dies a death and ends its race

151.

Envy

I know I’m cruel and cold inside
To silent groom I’ll play the bride
And live a death of frozen warmth
Devoid of open caring arms

I look outside at gleaming world
At faces known like stranger’s hand
In joys and hells they live their dreams
My joys lay dead in hell’s cold seams

Within the cage I’m locked inside
I scream at hell’s unearthly bride
To stop the lust for other’s lives
And live in peace in ruined prize

150.

Dreamer’s Debt


My dreams have ended – life is here
I fall down soft to shed a tear
With death-like knock upon the door
My hell breaks through with molten claw

The dancing shards of sunlight spears
That rip my soul to free my fears
To let them free to rule my mind
And leave my heart so far behind

In casket cold and starved of love
In shrivelled heart still hides the dove
Away from stars and warm embrace
She waits for chance to join the race

One thousand chances passed her by
She saw them flash like lighteninged sky
But still the cruel chains keep her close
Encircle her with blackened rose

My dreams she made her gentle rest
To live and love from safety’s nest
Allowed to laugh and run and cry
She lived and loved with childlike joy

But dreams, like life, must always end
And heartfelt wounds she now must tend
For whilst she lived in sunset sky
One thousand chances passed her by

Not seen nor heard but always there
Now every chance will bring a tear
In these she’ll drown for life’s regret
Until she’s freed from lifelong debt

149.

Red-Eyed Monster



Silent screams inside my head
The voice which says I should be dead
With acid words and gentle spears
The darkness plays on all my fears
To twist my mind to cruel intent
The anger screams with hate unspent

148.

Living


Silent screams and timid steps
Shown only in the snow’s cold breath
That lead away from life so frail
Away from truth’s embittered jail

A cage of air as warm as ice
Wrapped around like deathly vice
To squeeze all joy from life around
And make me scream in silence’s sound

147.

-“No”-



Stop the dream and hide the pain
And face the truth with tears like rain
This life’s unfair and harsh as day
Kills hope and laughs with manic joy

Ripped from comfort’s tender arms
To stand on path of torture’s barbs
Release the tears to set you free
And live and die again unseen

146.

Silent Whispers




Scream for silence, whispers cry
To fading day and blood-red sky
In nightmare’s dreaming shadows lay
In wait for victims – those who stray

Alone in life they stumble blind
Let whispers enter troubled mind
Slip their head down hatred’s seam
And turn their thoughts to endless dream

145.

Prizewinners


Scarlet tears left undefined
In shattered heart and broken mind
From gentle torture’s deathly chase
I spill the tears to end this race

I reach for prize of death inviting
The glistening cup of tears that shining
Release the charm to end this day
Looks up and wipes my tears away

144.

To Fail in Life



I failed to fly again last night
I turned my head, got lost in fright
Delayed the dream to future’s day
And stood and spoke in present’s play

The crashing ground that hit me fast
That rushed and left me ripped apart
At seams of wrist with scars to show
The little lines where blood did flow

Alone in chance and hopeless words
Alive in cold and silent chords
One step behind the dreams I chase
I reach for end of desperate race

143.

Lost Little Lamb


I went last night to joyful church
I sat on chair and I heard the songs
I heard the pastor say his piece
I listened hard and lost my peace

Denial safe and secure in lie
Was swept away by songs of praise
Of belief’s “amen” and fervent prayer
To leave me alone, so stark and bare

Without my skin to hide behind
I stood apart, devoid of love
Scared and lost from lack of faith
I turned away and hid my face

142.

The Mercy Murder



My kitty caught a little mouse
She found it in the yard
Beneath a pile of wood for fires
She found it working hard
To find the food to feed its kin
It scavenged far and wide
But quickly came the kitty’s paws
And took it home with pride

A present for my family
For feeding me so well
I know you’ll love and cherish it
Like all the rest I found
The ones you took away and hid
In secret place so far
The treasure trove of loving gifts
These presents from your cat

In truth, my love, we don’t like mice
They give us quite a fright
But when we see them on the floor
We like to be quite nice
We pick them up inside a glass
And take them far away
Back outside to mouse’s homes
To woodpile, grass and sky

But this one time the mouse, it ran
It ran out from our grasp
It hid under a door and so
Went crunch when we went out
Poor little mouse, oh what a sight
Your little back is broke
What do we do, can we do right
Kill or leave to die?

We went outside, this mouse and I
To woodpile, hand in paw
I got a log, and dropped it hard
To save poor mouse from pain
In one quick blow one life expired
In scattered spread of brains
And then with care was laid in bush
To join in nature’s dance

Did I do right to kill this mouse
To save it from the pain
Would I have still have taken life
If I had let it go
To die alone in pain and fear
On slow and rainy night
My little cat, I love you so
But no more presents, please, just no.

141.

Lonely Lover



Despite the fears that keep me near
I dream of love away from tear
Of friendly touch and warm embrace
That feels so cold compared to chase
Of flying free away from love
The danger falls from sky above

One tender moment I lay in arms
So strong and sweet with scent of calm
I tried so hard to relax in love
And feel the dream from heavens above
But tight control and rooted fears
They rip me fast from comfort’s spears

Flying sideways, sleep in death
Alive in torment’s newborn breath
Relax in life’s sweet gleeful sin
So dark the soul that lies within
The heart so bright it blinded day
And made life look the other way

140.

Two Lives in Tandem Die



I live a lie to all and I
Who sees the face, the clothes and hair
The image – perfect, the truth – a lie

I kiss a boy and so I’m gay
I sleep with boy and so I’m queer
The lie I live in day on day

The truth inside is seen as lie
To those who ‘know’ or hide their eyes
From putrid tales in tears I cry

I am not a happy boy
Not straight as circle, but nor as line
I live in shell like horse of Troy

Behind the mask of perfect show
I dream of life I live for me
True comfort’s palace I want to know

Body of boy but heart of girl
Against the norm in every way
The oyster robbed of shining pearl

Until my death and sweet rebirth
I live two lives of quiet tears
Falling soft on frozen earth

139.

D.C. al Coda


3211624
A broken heart stares up from floor
5833921
In whispered hint of what’s to come
9966332
The numbers sing for me and you
8089223
A code of life that flies so free
5466938
My life and love now follow straight
1244626
In simply ordered breath of kiss
6266547
Turn with smile to sweet life’s heaven

138.

In Life’s Sweet Prison



Dying inside, lets scream alone
Let lovless torture’s silent drone
Cast silver shadow, deep inside
Dark cave of night with fires ablaze

A dream so close it touches skin
To send the fire like ice within
One troubled heart in cage of lies
So tight around the tears it cries

A ray of light still breaks through day
To take the fears from far away
To banish them to depths of mind
Release the joy that heart can’t find

137.

Indecision

Do I?
Don’t I?
-Little lie


Shall I?
Shan’t I?
-Sweet tear cry


May I?
Mayn’t I?
-Scream the truth


Can I?
Can’t I?
-Live with death


Will I?
Won’t I?
-Find my love


Do I?
Shall I?
May I?
Can I?
Will I?


Live?


Free to be me

136.

Punishment


Death deformed in light of day
In crumpled soul abandoned lay
On ground’s cold skin as soft as steel
That cuts so deep with blood to heal

Red soul runs so far away
Predator turns at once to prey
The cause of pain now feels the hurt
Of stabbing words that cut to heart

The final act to end the pain
Of ex-friend’s words like acid rain
Escape in blood to freedom get
And force his mind to life’s regret

135.

Smothered Blanket


I scream aloud to silent air
That wraps around a soul so bare
Left drowned in dreams of cheerful day
And hidden deep in lies I say

Whispered tears for life unloved
That gently tortures freedom’s dove
Alive in breath’s last dying cry
A heart’s escape with blooded sigh

134.

BlindSight Searching



Blank eyes search for truth in soul
A truth left marred by lies of old
Perfection’s mask devoid of warmth
Guide the eye in gentle glance
To pale white love left lined on wrist
That marks the path of death’s sweet kiss
A marble heart entombed in flesh
Alone in search for peace at rest

133.

Whispered Scream in NightDay Silence



Silence screaming, standing slow
In light of day with shadowed glow
To cast upon a heart unloved
That daily turns to scarlet dove

Alive in dreams of death depart
Embrace the blooded screaming heart
Of knife and lover’s cry to flee
Still standing small alive in me

132.

To Die at Birth is Such a Joy


I thought I knew my lonely heart
-It lived with me since womb depart
But now it comes with swift surprise
Another side from which to hide

Deadened soul and mind entwine
To loveless heart in search of sign
To love and lover’s dying breath
Of which may I not find till death

131.

Frozen Shadow



Silent shadow sweet depart
From broken mind and sullen heart
Release the screams left loveless lost
Beneath the clouds of frozen dust

One hundred winters long to stay
In chest of ice and soul of clay
That, moulded rough by others’ hands,
Feels foreign, lost, and coarse as sand

Alive with sadness, deep despair
Floats shadowlike in silent air
To smother kind the desperate plea
And make me drown in blood-red sea

130.

Scream

Silent drown in deep despair
Cast a net to catch the tear
Release the doubt held tight within
Each silent heart with song to sing
Alive in deathly hope unleashed
Mangled soul with love to seek

129.

Protection



I told a little lie last night
The reasons why? I’m scared to fight
My little lie caused no-one harm
So why am I so far from calm?
Shall I be held by ‘must’ and ‘should’
Or float and fly in ‘want’ and ‘could’?
Why must I lie to save my soul
When all I want is love to hold?
To keep me safe against the storm
I built a fort devoid of warm
With walls of cold and bricks of lies
I save my heart from tears I cried

128.

Prognosis



I hear the screams inside my soul
The crying hurt felt so deathly cold
In unseen illness and fractured love
A bitter sign sill hides its touch
Nothing’s broken but everything hurts
This is the sign of a broken heart

127.

Change d’Univers


“Danger! Danger!” senses cry
To heart of cold and bloodied sky
“Release the fears still held within
And maybe then your soul can sing”

I know the truth in words I hear
And try to live away from fear
I try to leave my dreams for dead
But still they rear their ugly head

“You lived your life in glances scared
With dreams and wishes left unheard
When will you set your dreams to rest
And unlock the gates to heart’s cold chest?”

My life is not a simple game
With every chance I wait for shame
Expect the worst and fear the best
And lock my heart in dreamer’s chest

126.

Prideful Pain


Screams of silence, locked inside
A troubled heart so scarred by pride
The fear to ask for help in life
That turned my mind to bleeding knife

In silent screams and bone-dry tears
I try to hide from deepest fears
The ones I know I can’t escape
-From dreams of life I’ll surely wake

If the chance came once again
To end this life of silent pain
Would I then turn to silken steel?
And live in dreams for ever real

125.

Phoenix Tears



Silent tears in clouded rain
Fall from eyes of desperate pain
To heal the longing felt inside
The wish to simply turn and hide
From life and truth and endless hope
To turn and kiss the lifeline rope
That leads to smiles and endless dreams
And heals the longing felt in screams

124.

What Then?


When I die, then will I cry?
For lack of love or friendship’s dove

Will I sing in joyous ring?
At last I’ve found death’s loving shroud

Will others dare to shed a tear?
Pretend they care, or point and stare

At faggot freak with tears to weep
For hatred felt round neck with belt

123.

What You See is not What You Get



Fuck life I say to shapeless day
In dawn despair and silent air
A graveyard town still free from frown
Of beauty’s smile in full fake style

A loveless cry in blood-red sky
Still shining cold in death’s sweet gold
The price to pay for every day
I give the smile and live the style

122.

pi, i and I




The order of numbers, so firm yet so free
Gazing from textbook, no words to be seen
One simple equation with heart so complex
That governs the question with problems to fix

I wonder at beauty of magical math
As pure and as perfect as first angel’s breath
Floating like stardust from heavens above
Warming our cold earth like freedom’s sweet dove

121.

-_-


Impatient hope for timeless dream
That steals the joy from living’s scream
To drag me down to depths of mind
And see the life I’ll never find

Life lives in dreams and golden heart
And struggles through truth’s deathly chart
Of life’s recordings, dreams so sweet
And afterlife I’ll never meet

120.

Alone in Life I Cry


Lonely soul in soft despair
Cry silken tear to candied air
Alive with friendship’s laugh so close
Behind a wall of private jokes

Defence so strong it breaks my heart
To force a smile from those who can’t
Can’t see the pain that lives within
Beneath the calm and joyful skin

A lie in life until my death
That I’m just fine with lonely breath
That I can cope as 'friends' walk by
A laugh and joke hides tears I cry

119.

Life in Dreams of Dreams of Life



A dream of life just out of reach
In night-time sight the love I seek
To live in truth and joyful smile
Without the lies so sick and vile

In secret sight of golden land
And caring clasp of lover’s hand
I beg for dreams to turn to truth
To let me run with love to sooth

I hate this life in which I lie
And hide my face from tears I cry
For any chance of new-born life
I’ll pay the fee, just name your price

118.

Dreamworld Dying



Hidden dreams and smothered cries
In secret life my pretty lies
That hold my fears as close as skin
Keep safe the longing held within

In body wrong and mind so scared
I fly in dreams that lay unheard
For life’s cruel rules destroy my heart
And make me long for what I can’t

Can’t see my dreams in waking day
Nor live with smile or happy cry
Till dreams to life may come to pass
I’m trapped in hell of life’s cruel dance

117.

Uncertainly


What do I want my scarlet dove?
In time gone by I longed for love
I yearned for him to hold me tight
To keep me safe throughout the night

Love lived in dreams and hid in day
It turned and looked the other way
It made me live devoid of life
And lead my heart to blood-red knife

But now has love appeared in day
And brings along the questions’ cry
That scream in every waking breath
To make me choose ‘tween life and death

Dead in life or life alone?
I scream to cold of silent tomb
Of dust-filled heart, devoid of love
That knows nought else but scarlet dove

116.

Kom Und Rette Mich


I live in dreams of pure white lie, behind my soul and tears I cry

My dreams my life and helpless dance, I die each night for want of chance

A lie so sweet I lost my life, fell headlong deep in hells’ dark wife

Forgot to live and love in truth, left lost in scared dreams of youth

Until my dreams and life do meet, I alone my death shall seek

So Rette Mich and Rescue Me, and save my soul from break of day

115.

Suppressèd Life


In common love that I despise
For social’s norm, sweet blanket lies
Nor man nor beast can know the tears
From running long from fear of fears

Assorted choice and mix of chance
In heaven’s rule of earthly dance
For Gods and Demons’ endless game
For us the players, wrought with shame

Flee through life away from pain
But find ourselves still here again
Let love unseen and cold as lies
Scream circles round our futile lives

Till death from love we desperate long
To end a life of soulless wrong
To reach for stars and heaven’s grasp
Release the love left lost in hearts

114.

Three Long Years in Silent Tears


I ran and ran through tortured life
I tried to live, to fight the fight
I tried so hard I broke my heart
Forgot myself in daily chant

To knife and peace I tried to flee
To join the dreams alive in me
But stopped by chance and inner voice
Came back to life, in part by choice

***

I fixed myself and found the help
To make me laugh and like myself
I let my life now run its course
I flew like wind from secret source

***

But now again come hidden dreams
Alive once more in silent screams
Back to knife and death I turn
To find the life for which I long

My life has turned again to death
I live for now with borrowed breath
I know that soon to love I’ll turn
The love of dreams and hope to learn

113.

Parallel

Once again I’m lost in fear
Surrounded now by doubt so clear
Right or wrong I still don’t know
What heart beat wants, what dreams can’t show

Sitting still but swept along
By others’ words but right or wrong
My dreams alive in separate life

Still wait for me to end the fight

112.

UNIque


So here I am alone at last
So here my heart lies ripped from grasp
Of silent love – companion’s truth
Of constant trust to my fears sooth

One thousand faces strange as sand
Stare at me from distant land
The room next door with music loud
So far away – the wall so cold

A stranger now in constant time
Flying blind with reason’s rhyme
A foreign language now to learn
If to future I soon can turn

111.

If Only, If Only


Oh how I wish for time to move backwards
Oh how I long for hope once again
Oh how my heart now aches for your loving
Oh how my blood wants veins to run through

110.

Trapped Alone in a Crowded Life


In hated life and death dispair
I scream in light of silent air
That strangles me and hope's still breath
And brings my gaze to sacred rest

To life from death I long to flee
And search for what is mine to see
If long-detested life won't cease
Can I now turn my face to peace?

109.

Forbidden Chance and Open Door


As hot as death, I scream once more
Sweat and cry a tear so pure
Trapped in heat of past's mistake
Looking now at start of race
For now at once may chance evolve
Fly and dance with future's soul

108.

Moving on to Chapter 2



Stare in shock at open door
A door so tight and closed before
That leads to future’s life and chance
Inviting me to join the dance

I got the grades and pass on through
To run and fly with people new
Friend or Foe I’m soon to see
Now life will start and shine for me

107.

Forever Mirrored in a Hidden Life




Search for truth in gorgeous skirt
With made-up face to hide the hurt
Look for love in four-inch heels
Ignore the pain of what is real
Leave the hate of those who stare
Sing and dance without a care
In beauty’s grasp so pure and true
Find the truth of me and you
Not boy nor girl but in-between
Lie shattered norms now split down seams
Still hid within those boyish clothes
Screams out the girl, which will you choose?

106.

Hidden



Do I exist or just in dreams?
In floating chance and silent screams
Is memory false or true as light?
So dim amidst this lifelong fight

Life in cruelty’s hidden love
With marching time to scarlet dove
Rush to end and lifeless peak
Too slow for memory’s desperate reach

If my past now future leads
To form my life in gentle tears
Why then does she still slip away?
To depths of mind and soul to stay

Did I exist in lifefull love
Or just dart around my hidden dove?
In hated life and clouded dreams

My soul’s soft story gently screams

105.

Thank You



Thank you for holding my tears so tight
Safe and sound in dreamless sight
Thank you for causing my mind to sing
And turn my mind from deathly fling

Thank you for forcing my soul to smile
And save from hell that lonely child
Thank you for living in every dream
Of future’s glimpse of chance unseen

Thank you for saying but not a word
And send your love in silent cloud
And thank you for turning my mind from death
To turn my hell to peace at rest

104.

Goodbye from the love you never knew


Farewell to love left lost in heart
Like marching sunset’s golden chart
Too hard to chase but not to fly
To dreams of past and lover’s cry

Goodbye with tears and love long-lasting
May your heart be always shining
For those you choose to hold you love
Will never turn to scarlet dove

103.

The Innocent Act of Guilty Nothing



My friend, the one I did not know

My friend, the soul behind the show

Who took the chance and fled for light

Who made the choice to end the fight


I knew you not, yet still I cry

I see the tears on cheeks so dry

In dreaming chance a sudden sight

In hoping love that now I might




Might join the race to jump and fly

Might sing in choir of souls who cry

102.

S.U.I.C.I.D.E.

Silent screams and blinded light

Unloved tears now out of sight
Immortal wound to never heal
Chances scarred, now beg and kneel
In desperate hope for one more dance
Despair of life and tears to cry
Elope with knife to blood-red sky

101.

Centennial


One hundred footprints sunk in sand
On path of life to distant land
Within each one shines new-lost hope
Let past now fall down future’s slope

One hundred chances turned to dust
Seen only now in dreams of past
Suppressed by guilt and blind mind’s trick
Those chances tumble by so quick

One hundred people loved so dear
Their picture’s framed by crystal tear
That rolls down cheek unknown by kiss
Of those whose pictures now I’ll miss

One hundred songs I’ve yet to sing
And still more dreams I’ve yet to bring
To life and love and future’s chance
Now come with me and join the dance

100

100


10x10 – in secret smile
A target hit and put in file
Of short life’s record, paper thin
Write down quick what lies within

5x20 – love will last
Through burning hope and broken hearts
With unknown friendships soon to forge
And life to find in deadly gorge

10x10 – and still I run
Alone to beat of silent drum
My life in whisper’s ghosts will fly
To dream, to live, but never die

99.

Exam II


The piece of paper sits on desk
Words shout out in tongues of jest
Your mind’s a blank, the pages turn
To test the topic yet to learn

In panic’s sweep you reach for pen
And write on instinct, time again
Pages rustle, the end so near
On hundred faces dead with fear

98.

Changes


When at first I saw the light
I started screaming, lost in flight
A lie so strong it made me blind
To truth of life I knew in mind

To know my truth away from lie
And find the source of tears I cry
Of life in lie and hated mask
The ‘normal’, ‘proper’, locked in cast

Break through life in four-inch heels
Dye my hair and paint my nails
Live for me and fuck the rest

My dream, my love, my plastic chest

97.

Gift


A feeling warm and soft inside
A piece of heart that now won’t die
For love of strangers felt so strong
Crashing down on empty tomb
Of loveless life that soon may pass
If this new love will chance and last

96.

Ice-Cold Fire


I keep my heart in icy tomb
To perish fast the lifeless wrong
Of love and trust – that soulless hell
A glittering poison’s silent shell

Who lives and runs in long lost love?
And shares in angels’ gentle code?
Of trusting love till death us part
With fire’s warmth in ice-cold heart

If alone a heart must last
Sustained by dreams and hope of chance
Then will poison run its race
To pierce the depths of lover’s chase

My heart is cold for want of warmth
Suppressed by poison’s dreaming storms
The love I feel is ice indeed
For true love dreams can never be

In dream-world’s dancing deathly hell
I pin my life to wall of shell
Lay trapped in head and icy heart
Alone until the fires start

95.

Hidden Screams in Floating Dreams


In dreams I find the lie I love
To float and fly in silent hope
Life-world hoping, soon to die
And dream-world living’s gentle lie

Yet silent dreams must come to pass
And life’s cruel chest must one day close
The key to life unknown by love
Lies scared and shattered, drowned in blood

94.

Tempus Fugit


Gently tortured, love departs
To fill my life with poison darts
To keep in view the hated truth
That lie of love alone won’t sooth

Enforce a life away from love
And bring me kiss from scarlet dove
In red blood running’s hated cry
The love that now alone won’t lie

93.

In Love I Found a Song to Sing


Lifelong dreaming, bleeding hearts
Softly tortured, love departs
In sight of sound but yet unheard
-Golden-haired my secret lord
With mind controlled by heart so strong
Sing endless longing’s hidden song

92.

Dance With Me




Dance With Me

In sunrise sparks and break of day

Dance With Me

In golden glow and fields of hay

Dance With Me

At sunset’s peak and twilight past

Dance With Me

In starlit love that long will last



Lets Dance

Together

As One

91.

Shot



Flying high on cloud of hope
Icarus soaring, can’t elope
For plans and life not set in stone
Fall burning cruel now left alone

Shot down fast by change of want
Let down soon and now I can’t
Can’t live a life with smile on face
Can’t fight to stay in earthly race

A hopeful future runs away
Stays ahead but one more day
Forever fleeing life’s cold grasp
Shot down plans alone will last

90.

Tomorrow’s Hands




Days gone by are blurred and scarred
By choices false and life so hard
Today was set by future’s past
But tomorrow keeps my future’s chance

89.

Timeless Wondering


Deathlong dreaming, life departs
In broken dreams and sullen hearts
A sinful pleasure, deathly love
Now beckons me to scarlet dove

In lifeline scarred by words of hate
And deathscar lined by turn of fate
I turn to life not full of joy
But partial hope that I might fly

Into years of crumbling pain
Now cast a shadow back again
Through my years of pain inside
Back to time before I cried

88

Me



I'm the one you would not see
Who's hiding in the heart of me
I hide my truth and show the mask
Of ‘James Morrice’ that soon must pass

I'll speak with you, but not before
You say a word, I'll answer sure
Ignore me still, I'll carry on
My silence - love yet still unknown...

I fought for life and all but died
In years now past, I played the bride
Divorced myself and start anew
With hope and dreams that WILL come true

I kissed a boy and found the light
Now fly and flow in queer delight
The search for love has left me lost
Must I alone now turn to dust?

Eighteen years is far too long
But how much more must I go on?
To find my dreams just out of reach
And death's pure kisses soft and sweet

87.

Back So Soon?



I left you here not long ago
Why have you returned?

I turned my back and walked away
To save myself from me.

But you returned to haunt my mind
And cause my tears to flee.

Once again from wrist they stream
To cause my mind to bleed.

I think I know the reasons why
My lovely dreams returned.

My Scarlet Dove, my darling love
I’m here for you, now cry.

Send a tear for every fault
That then will bleed me dry.

Then send some more for every piece
Of heart that now alone must die.

For death departing love she brings
I need her now but once again.

I need to feel her warm embrace
Round shell I call a skin.

86.

Relapse



I did it again my scarlet dove
What I said I’d never do
I lost the hope that made me live
And came back home to you

I thought that I could live a truth
Yet lie right to my heart
I thought that I could be ‘just fine’
Whilst still in love with you

Obsessed with you in waking dreams
Of sweet as death and start again
I cry for you but one more time
Please love just let me die!

85.

Mine



I see you study, working true
In your coat of deepest blue
Startling envy grips my heart
Till I see that mine thou art

Mine for loving, holding strong
Mine for listening, problems long
Mine in every thought and word
Mine the torment, love unheard

Not for fear you’ll hear my plea
Hear it, throw it back at me
But for love unsure in heart
I know not what to do nor start

To let me love and then to hurt
Not one but two in life so short
Should I damn it all to hell
And take the chance and pay the toll

Or do I keep my heart entombed
For fear that I will feel the wound
Of love and hope and blinding light

And long life’s treasure, helpless flight

84.

A Final Request


Lying in wait for soft secret shadow
Hoping that one day my true prince will come
Straight to my arms and heart like an arrow
Darting like thunder from Cupid’s pure bow

Screaming in anguish and hope everlasting
Laughing and crying in death undeparting
Waiting for someone to capture my heart
To take it and keep it and tear it apart

For someone to take me and rip me in two
That is the moment I’m hoping to know
Before I run soft blade through cruel stony wrist
I’m praying for someone to open my chest

83.

Do you know my little white lie?



Did you hear my screams last night?
Did you see my desperate plight?
Why did no-one hear my cry?
To gods and hope that I might die

Did you see but one fake mask?
Of calm and peace. Of light not dark
Did you think I trusted you?
To hold my secrets, pure and true

I lied to you, and once again
Cry scarlet tears like acid rain
For living dark in pure white lie
I scream to darkness, let me die

82.

A little rope
A lot of hurt



Limply hanging, swinging still
The truth floats freely, blood won’t spill
Support has fallen, rope will stretch
With weight of hurt to never rest
A thousand questions long will last
In memory of a broken heart

81.

Spoken Silence


Love and hate are both entwined
In dark despair and deathly mind
For loving wrong, I hate myself
For hoping long, I live in death

Wrong in body, wrong in soul
A heart lies frozen, soft and cold
The warmth he gives by smile so sweet
Is felt pure torture, pain so deep

To depths of heart a smiling spear
Rips soul and life right into tear
From angel’s eye a glistening joke
To fracture soft a desperate hope

For love and trust from one so pure
In kind words’ shock right through my core
My lovely angel… you’ll never know
Just how I feel. I love you so

80.

Knife-Point Perfection


Knife-point perfection still screams out from wrist
Cut up and altered, my skin till it fits
With scalpel and hacksaw to change all my bones
And scalpel and cottonthread to stretch my skin home

Perfection’s not perfect, and still I despair
With life inconsistent, with no-one who cares
So alter my wrists, let blood flow to earth
Knife-point perfection. My god how it hurts.

79.

Midnight


I wish, I wish upon a star
In dreamy hope for love afar
To send down Cupid’s arrow strong
And end the torture – love unknown

With flaming spear to light my heart
And know with him I’ll never part
Those pure blue eyes shan’t leave mine own
Nor angel’s halo left alone

Staring deep on starry night
Into chasm and twinkling lights
I hope my heart is strong enough

To work this magic to grant me love

78.

Closets are for Clothes


My closet was getting crowded.

Arguments started.

They said "it's you or me - one of us goes".

I went.

Closets are for Clothes

77.

Parted Love


Gentle screaming, pregnant pause
Whilst life is ripped from heart so coarse
By silver steel’s soft quiet hiss
On parts unknown by lover’s kiss

A quiet parting, push aside
The knotted skin that holds so tight
Still beating heart, one soulful chest
Now keeps the secret, love at rest

76.

Bleeding Stream


A red knife dying, bleeding dry
In thousand pardons, water’s cry
Whilst washing life away from death
She screams and dyes the water’s breath
To life force colour, gentle dream
A bleeding river, endless stream

75.

Open-Eyed Dreaming


In fuming silence, death departs
From shattered dreams and broken hearts
From nightmares shown soft red on wrist
And gentle dreaming – love’s first kiss

Dreams as clear as clouds above
With life and love like freedom’s dove
Who soars in every earthly hope
And helps the helpless marching troupe

Who plunge through life in blindness sure
With dreams as guides – no less, no more
Screaming trust in every step,
They fall from cliff top – hope at rest

74.

A Second Chance


Give me the chance to live again
Show me the door and I’ll walk unchained
To death and birth and new life’s chance
Once again to join the dance

I’m dancing now but blind and scared
With eyelids shut and hope impaired
I missed the beat and now I trip
On dreams – the floor on which I slip

To lay here still, whilst all around
Fly angles dancing, life unharmed
A nightmare calling, night and day
This life’s a waste – just work, no play

No time for freedom, dreams or hope
No time for loving – this heart can’t cope
No angels pause to stop the dance
To help me up – give second chance

Give life and love back to my heart
Help me see what now I can’t:
An angel’s mercy, soft and sweet
An afterlife I now must seek

73.

Pretences


Stand up slow on floodlit stage
The stage of life with silent cage
To trap in view my every act
Examine close my helpless hurt
So covered tight by lies and smile
Silence screaming all the while
In my heart so black and burnt
By torches point at soul unspent
The final act – the curtain’s close
Stained blood-red to match my clothes

72.

Silent Cost


Lost in darkness, death at rest
In chances sold for pure heart’s chest
With key of gold to guard the soul
Of knowledge, peace and silent howl
The song to sing when all is lost
When all you have is endless cost
Of living hopeful, silent tears
And running blind from midnight fears

71.

Angel Faces


Beautiful faces all around
Covering me like deathly shroud
To blind my eyes from heart unloved
And force my mind to scarlet dove

With broken beauty pieces fall
A thousand mirrors gaze from floor
Screaming truthful – hide your face
Hide the ugly love won’t chase

Broken mirror on the floor
Who will love this face so dour?
When all around lie angels’ masks
A maddening beauty that long will last

70.

A Second Chance at Life so Cruel?


Why do I live in deathly pain?
And scream my silence to pouring rain?
Of futile dreams of better life
To proving oft that I can’t cope
With life, her cruelty bleeding swift
My blood-the glue to bind the rift
‘Tween life and death’s sweet fragile arms
Who calls so gentle, cool and calm
Who beckons me to join the few
Who took the chance of life anew

69.

To See the Sorrow

Why do they bleed, those stars so bright?
Why do they cry so soft through night?
To pierce the earth with silver spears
Of heaven’s crying, those pure God tears

For failing long to save the world
For seeing clear the hurting churned
By priest and pastor claiming still
That God is good and just in all

The same breath kills both hopes and dreams
Of two boys’ loving, split down seams
To part the ‘truth’ –that God loves straights
To kill the truth – that love is just

In his heaven, dying slow
God looks down on earth below
Aghast he sees the hatred loud
The rift that nought but he can hide

68.

Meaning


To sing out loud on starlight night
To sing a song of desperate plight
Of raging torment, standing strong
Of desperate bleeding, running long
Who lives and dies in sweet refrain
Who whispers love in stabbing pain
To save from torture love enchained
To bring to living death unchanged

67.

Repetition Repackaged


You say again those boring words
Just changed by how they sound
The same cold meaning stabbing close
To heart and putrid mind

I hear again your cruel intent
To drag me down and bleed me dry
With aged words but still unspent
The hate that lies to make me cry

Your sound you changed but still remains
The meaning-swift and stark behind
Those words repeated, time again
Repackaged for a frightened mind

66.

A Lifeline Reason


A startling truth I’ve now to see
This one for years I’ve longed to flee
Through knife and blood I search for death
Unknown by truth and lies beneath

My heart, she knows the reason why
I ran to knife, but could not cry
For life’s pure torture blinding swift
The knowledge – truth – and pure death’s kiss

Who screams for loving, short and dear
Hid by torture, life unclear
The wondrous truth I couldn’t see
-It’s Life, not Death that’s scaring me

65.

Broken Heart Dreams


Those kisses are mine
I dream in my heart
Your loving’s for me
And not for that tart
She loves you, you love her
It’s not all that wrong
I love you – pause - nothing
My feelings so strong…
They rattle like mothballs
In great empty house
Both Doubtfulls and Hopefulls
Who die with a kiss
On her lips so tender
To shatter with screams
And bring me to splendour

Of Broken Heart Dreams

64.

Just One More Notch In My Breaking Heart

You lie there together
Unknowing, I feel
The dreams that I’m living
The nightmare so real

Of sitting here watching
Not daring to breathe
Your kisses she felt soft
Match tears now unsheathed

For loving in envy
Sweet bitter in time
And hatred so jealous
Why’s love so unkind?

Those kisses are mine
But now it is she
Receiving your loving

Now how my heart bleeds

63.

Anniversary


Today’s the day I should be dead
The day I’ve looked upon with dread
That shows my failing crystal clear
And causes me to throw more tears
Shining crimson beauty fell
But now blue crystal’s shining spell
These tortured lines right down my cheek
Spare peaceful gateway running sweet
Who stopped by tissue, love unsure
Ran crying back to heart impure
To make me live another year
Alone with just a blue white tear

62.

Dare?


If only you knew, my flippant friend
If only you knew the truth
Would you still make your moment ‘jokes’
Or would you think then say?
The truth you see is hidden close
I guard it tight and still
To keep a smile when all you say
Is dare me – see it through
Life is finite, weak and thin
She’ll die without a fuss
With simple stroke of soft as steel
She’ll run to endless dreaming
To dreams I have and want to keep
Two scars I think is fair
One for knowing that you did wrong
And one cos you don’t care

61.

Abandoned



My scarlet dove is dying fast
She’s rotting here right where she cries
In heart and breath her blood it pours
To stain the earth and moon and skies
With running red and tearless blue
Alone she flies to life anew
From faceless torments, pure and cruel
Life’s piercing truths their evil tool
My darling dove who loves me so
I cry to you – no please don’t go!
Don’t leave me here to scream alone
And face the horror – life unknown
Who whispers soft in words of hate
Who leave me here in such a state

60.

Truth’s a Killer


Secret silence standing strong
Deep beneath one loving long
To scar the earth and bleed the sky
Now hark and hear a hated cry
Of truth’s foul bloodied veil to see
Nor good nor life so dead in me

59.

Piensa


Isn’t it strange
How one little look
And one short exchange
Can leave me entombed

Isn’t it odd
How futile it seems
To live without meaning
In lovely live dreams

Strange in heart dreaming
And odd in life live
Run without meaning
To pure scarlet dove

58.

Broken Glass


Final hope like shattered glass
Lies frozen bold in purple shards
That scream and shout to blind the mind
And hide the dreaming far behind

A thousand pieces, bold entombed
Fly swift and silent, cry alone
With purple shards to pierce the gold
Of pure in heart and love unsold

In helpless life and sudden death
Immortal fears of lack of faith
In me for all who have to see
The broken shards alive in me

57.

A Fire Outside



Love lies like winter, so bitter and cold
Lost frozen in time, one heart unsold
Captured and held tight in icy embrace
Forlorn and longing and still without faith
Knowing that sometime a warm flame will come
To shatter and melt love held icy entombed
Free her for loving with love to release
Flaming heart warming…now love is at peace

56.

Dream Time


With opened eyes I blindly fall
Straight to depths of hope so cruel
To wish upon those stars so bright
Shining black on pure white night

With half-closed eyes I stumble, trip
On anchor ropes to tie me quick
To keep to me a lifeline feared
That holds me back – regrets so near

With tight-closed eyes I dream anew
Those sacred dreams of me and you
To haul me back from white abyss
And steal my loving soft with kiss

55.

Answer


He’s everything I want and need
He’s all I admire and love
He’s the one I cannot see
The one stood hidden in front of me

54.

Now


I did it! I did it! My bleeding heart!
-What you said I couldn’t do
I did it! I did it! My scarlet dove!
-The challenges you set, I saw them through
Conquered hope and set it free
To roam and dream alone for me

53.

Return


Back here where I started
Been here once before
Sitting here and Screaming
Crying here and Dying

Love lost deep in endless shadow
Hope held tight in death
Rising here and Falling
Standing here and Lying

Lost alone in doubtful hoping
Waiting silent, never seeing
Sitting, Standing, Dying Cry
Scream and Whisper. Away I Fly