87.

Back So Soon?



I left you here not long ago
Why have you returned?

I turned my back and walked away
To save myself from me.

But you returned to haunt my mind
And cause my tears to flee.

Once again from wrist they stream
To cause my mind to bleed.

I think I know the reasons why
My lovely dreams returned.

My Scarlet Dove, my darling love
I’m here for you, now cry.

Send a tear for every fault
That then will bleed me dry.

Then send some more for every piece
Of heart that now alone must die.

For death departing love she brings
I need her now but once again.

I need to feel her warm embrace
Round shell I call a skin.

86.

Relapse



I did it again my scarlet dove
What I said I’d never do
I lost the hope that made me live
And came back home to you

I thought that I could live a truth
Yet lie right to my heart
I thought that I could be ‘just fine’
Whilst still in love with you

Obsessed with you in waking dreams
Of sweet as death and start again
I cry for you but one more time
Please love just let me die!

85.

Mine



I see you study, working true
In your coat of deepest blue
Startling envy grips my heart
Till I see that mine thou art

Mine for loving, holding strong
Mine for listening, problems long
Mine in every thought and word
Mine the torment, love unheard

Not for fear you’ll hear my plea
Hear it, throw it back at me
But for love unsure in heart
I know not what to do nor start

To let me love and then to hurt
Not one but two in life so short
Should I damn it all to hell
And take the chance and pay the toll

Or do I keep my heart entombed
For fear that I will feel the wound
Of love and hope and blinding light

And long life’s treasure, helpless flight

84.

A Final Request


Lying in wait for soft secret shadow
Hoping that one day my true prince will come
Straight to my arms and heart like an arrow
Darting like thunder from Cupid’s pure bow

Screaming in anguish and hope everlasting
Laughing and crying in death undeparting
Waiting for someone to capture my heart
To take it and keep it and tear it apart

For someone to take me and rip me in two
That is the moment I’m hoping to know
Before I run soft blade through cruel stony wrist
I’m praying for someone to open my chest

83.

Do you know my little white lie?



Did you hear my screams last night?
Did you see my desperate plight?
Why did no-one hear my cry?
To gods and hope that I might die

Did you see but one fake mask?
Of calm and peace. Of light not dark
Did you think I trusted you?
To hold my secrets, pure and true

I lied to you, and once again
Cry scarlet tears like acid rain
For living dark in pure white lie
I scream to darkness, let me die

82.

A little rope
A lot of hurt



Limply hanging, swinging still
The truth floats freely, blood won’t spill
Support has fallen, rope will stretch
With weight of hurt to never rest
A thousand questions long will last
In memory of a broken heart

81.

Spoken Silence


Love and hate are both entwined
In dark despair and deathly mind
For loving wrong, I hate myself
For hoping long, I live in death

Wrong in body, wrong in soul
A heart lies frozen, soft and cold
The warmth he gives by smile so sweet
Is felt pure torture, pain so deep

To depths of heart a smiling spear
Rips soul and life right into tear
From angel’s eye a glistening joke
To fracture soft a desperate hope

For love and trust from one so pure
In kind words’ shock right through my core
My lovely angel… you’ll never know
Just how I feel. I love you so

80.

Knife-Point Perfection


Knife-point perfection still screams out from wrist
Cut up and altered, my skin till it fits
With scalpel and hacksaw to change all my bones
And scalpel and cottonthread to stretch my skin home

Perfection’s not perfect, and still I despair
With life inconsistent, with no-one who cares
So alter my wrists, let blood flow to earth
Knife-point perfection. My god how it hurts.

79.

Midnight


I wish, I wish upon a star
In dreamy hope for love afar
To send down Cupid’s arrow strong
And end the torture – love unknown

With flaming spear to light my heart
And know with him I’ll never part
Those pure blue eyes shan’t leave mine own
Nor angel’s halo left alone

Staring deep on starry night
Into chasm and twinkling lights
I hope my heart is strong enough

To work this magic to grant me love

78.

Closets are for Clothes


My closet was getting crowded.

Arguments started.

They said "it's you or me - one of us goes".

I went.

Closets are for Clothes

77.

Parted Love


Gentle screaming, pregnant pause
Whilst life is ripped from heart so coarse
By silver steel’s soft quiet hiss
On parts unknown by lover’s kiss

A quiet parting, push aside
The knotted skin that holds so tight
Still beating heart, one soulful chest
Now keeps the secret, love at rest

76.

Bleeding Stream


A red knife dying, bleeding dry
In thousand pardons, water’s cry
Whilst washing life away from death
She screams and dyes the water’s breath
To life force colour, gentle dream
A bleeding river, endless stream

75.

Open-Eyed Dreaming


In fuming silence, death departs
From shattered dreams and broken hearts
From nightmares shown soft red on wrist
And gentle dreaming – love’s first kiss

Dreams as clear as clouds above
With life and love like freedom’s dove
Who soars in every earthly hope
And helps the helpless marching troupe

Who plunge through life in blindness sure
With dreams as guides – no less, no more
Screaming trust in every step,
They fall from cliff top – hope at rest

74.

A Second Chance


Give me the chance to live again
Show me the door and I’ll walk unchained
To death and birth and new life’s chance
Once again to join the dance

I’m dancing now but blind and scared
With eyelids shut and hope impaired
I missed the beat and now I trip
On dreams – the floor on which I slip

To lay here still, whilst all around
Fly angles dancing, life unharmed
A nightmare calling, night and day
This life’s a waste – just work, no play

No time for freedom, dreams or hope
No time for loving – this heart can’t cope
No angels pause to stop the dance
To help me up – give second chance

Give life and love back to my heart
Help me see what now I can’t:
An angel’s mercy, soft and sweet
An afterlife I now must seek

73.

Pretences


Stand up slow on floodlit stage
The stage of life with silent cage
To trap in view my every act
Examine close my helpless hurt
So covered tight by lies and smile
Silence screaming all the while
In my heart so black and burnt
By torches point at soul unspent
The final act – the curtain’s close
Stained blood-red to match my clothes

72.

Silent Cost


Lost in darkness, death at rest
In chances sold for pure heart’s chest
With key of gold to guard the soul
Of knowledge, peace and silent howl
The song to sing when all is lost
When all you have is endless cost
Of living hopeful, silent tears
And running blind from midnight fears

71.

Angel Faces


Beautiful faces all around
Covering me like deathly shroud
To blind my eyes from heart unloved
And force my mind to scarlet dove

With broken beauty pieces fall
A thousand mirrors gaze from floor
Screaming truthful – hide your face
Hide the ugly love won’t chase

Broken mirror on the floor
Who will love this face so dour?
When all around lie angels’ masks
A maddening beauty that long will last

70.

A Second Chance at Life so Cruel?


Why do I live in deathly pain?
And scream my silence to pouring rain?
Of futile dreams of better life
To proving oft that I can’t cope
With life, her cruelty bleeding swift
My blood-the glue to bind the rift
‘Tween life and death’s sweet fragile arms
Who calls so gentle, cool and calm
Who beckons me to join the few
Who took the chance of life anew

69.

To See the Sorrow

Why do they bleed, those stars so bright?
Why do they cry so soft through night?
To pierce the earth with silver spears
Of heaven’s crying, those pure God tears

For failing long to save the world
For seeing clear the hurting churned
By priest and pastor claiming still
That God is good and just in all

The same breath kills both hopes and dreams
Of two boys’ loving, split down seams
To part the ‘truth’ –that God loves straights
To kill the truth – that love is just

In his heaven, dying slow
God looks down on earth below
Aghast he sees the hatred loud
The rift that nought but he can hide

68.

Meaning


To sing out loud on starlight night
To sing a song of desperate plight
Of raging torment, standing strong
Of desperate bleeding, running long
Who lives and dies in sweet refrain
Who whispers love in stabbing pain
To save from torture love enchained
To bring to living death unchanged