124.

What Then?


When I die, then will I cry?
For lack of love or friendship’s dove

Will I sing in joyous ring?
At last I’ve found death’s loving shroud

Will others dare to shed a tear?
Pretend they care, or point and stare

At faggot freak with tears to weep
For hatred felt round neck with belt

123.

What You See is not What You Get



Fuck life I say to shapeless day
In dawn despair and silent air
A graveyard town still free from frown
Of beauty’s smile in full fake style

A loveless cry in blood-red sky
Still shining cold in death’s sweet gold
The price to pay for every day
I give the smile and live the style

122.

pi, i and I




The order of numbers, so firm yet so free
Gazing from textbook, no words to be seen
One simple equation with heart so complex
That governs the question with problems to fix

I wonder at beauty of magical math
As pure and as perfect as first angel’s breath
Floating like stardust from heavens above
Warming our cold earth like freedom’s sweet dove

121.

-_-


Impatient hope for timeless dream
That steals the joy from living’s scream
To drag me down to depths of mind
And see the life I’ll never find

Life lives in dreams and golden heart
And struggles through truth’s deathly chart
Of life’s recordings, dreams so sweet
And afterlife I’ll never meet

120.

Alone in Life I Cry


Lonely soul in soft despair
Cry silken tear to candied air
Alive with friendship’s laugh so close
Behind a wall of private jokes

Defence so strong it breaks my heart
To force a smile from those who can’t
Can’t see the pain that lives within
Beneath the calm and joyful skin

A lie in life until my death
That I’m just fine with lonely breath
That I can cope as 'friends' walk by
A laugh and joke hides tears I cry

119.

Life in Dreams of Dreams of Life



A dream of life just out of reach
In night-time sight the love I seek
To live in truth and joyful smile
Without the lies so sick and vile

In secret sight of golden land
And caring clasp of lover’s hand
I beg for dreams to turn to truth
To let me run with love to sooth

I hate this life in which I lie
And hide my face from tears I cry
For any chance of new-born life
I’ll pay the fee, just name your price

118.

Dreamworld Dying



Hidden dreams and smothered cries
In secret life my pretty lies
That hold my fears as close as skin
Keep safe the longing held within

In body wrong and mind so scared
I fly in dreams that lay unheard
For life’s cruel rules destroy my heart
And make me long for what I can’t

Can’t see my dreams in waking day
Nor live with smile or happy cry
Till dreams to life may come to pass
I’m trapped in hell of life’s cruel dance

117.

Uncertainly


What do I want my scarlet dove?
In time gone by I longed for love
I yearned for him to hold me tight
To keep me safe throughout the night

Love lived in dreams and hid in day
It turned and looked the other way
It made me live devoid of life
And lead my heart to blood-red knife

But now has love appeared in day
And brings along the questions’ cry
That scream in every waking breath
To make me choose ‘tween life and death

Dead in life or life alone?
I scream to cold of silent tomb
Of dust-filled heart, devoid of love
That knows nought else but scarlet dove

116.

Kom Und Rette Mich


I live in dreams of pure white lie, behind my soul and tears I cry

My dreams my life and helpless dance, I die each night for want of chance

A lie so sweet I lost my life, fell headlong deep in hells’ dark wife

Forgot to live and love in truth, left lost in scared dreams of youth

Until my dreams and life do meet, I alone my death shall seek

So Rette Mich and Rescue Me, and save my soul from break of day

115.

Suppressèd Life


In common love that I despise
For social’s norm, sweet blanket lies
Nor man nor beast can know the tears
From running long from fear of fears

Assorted choice and mix of chance
In heaven’s rule of earthly dance
For Gods and Demons’ endless game
For us the players, wrought with shame

Flee through life away from pain
But find ourselves still here again
Let love unseen and cold as lies
Scream circles round our futile lives

Till death from love we desperate long
To end a life of soulless wrong
To reach for stars and heaven’s grasp
Release the love left lost in hearts

114.

Three Long Years in Silent Tears


I ran and ran through tortured life
I tried to live, to fight the fight
I tried so hard I broke my heart
Forgot myself in daily chant

To knife and peace I tried to flee
To join the dreams alive in me
But stopped by chance and inner voice
Came back to life, in part by choice

***

I fixed myself and found the help
To make me laugh and like myself
I let my life now run its course
I flew like wind from secret source

***

But now again come hidden dreams
Alive once more in silent screams
Back to knife and death I turn
To find the life for which I long

My life has turned again to death
I live for now with borrowed breath
I know that soon to love I’ll turn
The love of dreams and hope to learn

113.

Parallel

Once again I’m lost in fear
Surrounded now by doubt so clear
Right or wrong I still don’t know
What heart beat wants, what dreams can’t show

Sitting still but swept along
By others’ words but right or wrong
My dreams alive in separate life

Still wait for me to end the fight

112.

UNIque


So here I am alone at last
So here my heart lies ripped from grasp
Of silent love – companion’s truth
Of constant trust to my fears sooth

One thousand faces strange as sand
Stare at me from distant land
The room next door with music loud
So far away – the wall so cold

A stranger now in constant time
Flying blind with reason’s rhyme
A foreign language now to learn
If to future I soon can turn

111.

If Only, If Only


Oh how I wish for time to move backwards
Oh how I long for hope once again
Oh how my heart now aches for your loving
Oh how my blood wants veins to run through

110.

Trapped Alone in a Crowded Life


In hated life and death dispair
I scream in light of silent air
That strangles me and hope's still breath
And brings my gaze to sacred rest

To life from death I long to flee
And search for what is mine to see
If long-detested life won't cease
Can I now turn my face to peace?

109.

Forbidden Chance and Open Door


As hot as death, I scream once more
Sweat and cry a tear so pure
Trapped in heat of past's mistake
Looking now at start of race
For now at once may chance evolve
Fly and dance with future's soul

108.

Moving on to Chapter 2



Stare in shock at open door
A door so tight and closed before
That leads to future’s life and chance
Inviting me to join the dance

I got the grades and pass on through
To run and fly with people new
Friend or Foe I’m soon to see
Now life will start and shine for me

107.

Forever Mirrored in a Hidden Life




Search for truth in gorgeous skirt
With made-up face to hide the hurt
Look for love in four-inch heels
Ignore the pain of what is real
Leave the hate of those who stare
Sing and dance without a care
In beauty’s grasp so pure and true
Find the truth of me and you
Not boy nor girl but in-between
Lie shattered norms now split down seams
Still hid within those boyish clothes
Screams out the girl, which will you choose?

106.

Hidden



Do I exist or just in dreams?
In floating chance and silent screams
Is memory false or true as light?
So dim amidst this lifelong fight

Life in cruelty’s hidden love
With marching time to scarlet dove
Rush to end and lifeless peak
Too slow for memory’s desperate reach

If my past now future leads
To form my life in gentle tears
Why then does she still slip away?
To depths of mind and soul to stay

Did I exist in lifefull love
Or just dart around my hidden dove?
In hated life and clouded dreams

My soul’s soft story gently screams

105.

Thank You



Thank you for holding my tears so tight
Safe and sound in dreamless sight
Thank you for causing my mind to sing
And turn my mind from deathly fling

Thank you for forcing my soul to smile
And save from hell that lonely child
Thank you for living in every dream
Of future’s glimpse of chance unseen

Thank you for saying but not a word
And send your love in silent cloud
And thank you for turning my mind from death
To turn my hell to peace at rest

104.

Goodbye from the love you never knew


Farewell to love left lost in heart
Like marching sunset’s golden chart
Too hard to chase but not to fly
To dreams of past and lover’s cry

Goodbye with tears and love long-lasting
May your heart be always shining
For those you choose to hold you love
Will never turn to scarlet dove

103.

The Innocent Act of Guilty Nothing



My friend, the one I did not know

My friend, the soul behind the show

Who took the chance and fled for light

Who made the choice to end the fight


I knew you not, yet still I cry

I see the tears on cheeks so dry

In dreaming chance a sudden sight

In hoping love that now I might




Might join the race to jump and fly

Might sing in choir of souls who cry

102.

S.U.I.C.I.D.E.

Silent screams and blinded light

Unloved tears now out of sight
Immortal wound to never heal
Chances scarred, now beg and kneel
In desperate hope for one more dance
Despair of life and tears to cry
Elope with knife to blood-red sky

101.

Centennial


One hundred footprints sunk in sand
On path of life to distant land
Within each one shines new-lost hope
Let past now fall down future’s slope

One hundred chances turned to dust
Seen only now in dreams of past
Suppressed by guilt and blind mind’s trick
Those chances tumble by so quick

One hundred people loved so dear
Their picture’s framed by crystal tear
That rolls down cheek unknown by kiss
Of those whose pictures now I’ll miss

One hundred songs I’ve yet to sing
And still more dreams I’ve yet to bring
To life and love and future’s chance
Now come with me and join the dance

100

100


10x10 – in secret smile
A target hit and put in file
Of short life’s record, paper thin
Write down quick what lies within

5x20 – love will last
Through burning hope and broken hearts
With unknown friendships soon to forge
And life to find in deadly gorge

10x10 – and still I run
Alone to beat of silent drum
My life in whisper’s ghosts will fly
To dream, to live, but never die

99.

Exam II


The piece of paper sits on desk
Words shout out in tongues of jest
Your mind’s a blank, the pages turn
To test the topic yet to learn

In panic’s sweep you reach for pen
And write on instinct, time again
Pages rustle, the end so near
On hundred faces dead with fear

98.

Changes


When at first I saw the light
I started screaming, lost in flight
A lie so strong it made me blind
To truth of life I knew in mind

To know my truth away from lie
And find the source of tears I cry
Of life in lie and hated mask
The ‘normal’, ‘proper’, locked in cast

Break through life in four-inch heels
Dye my hair and paint my nails
Live for me and fuck the rest

My dream, my love, my plastic chest

97.

Gift


A feeling warm and soft inside
A piece of heart that now won’t die
For love of strangers felt so strong
Crashing down on empty tomb
Of loveless life that soon may pass
If this new love will chance and last

96.

Ice-Cold Fire


I keep my heart in icy tomb
To perish fast the lifeless wrong
Of love and trust – that soulless hell
A glittering poison’s silent shell

Who lives and runs in long lost love?
And shares in angels’ gentle code?
Of trusting love till death us part
With fire’s warmth in ice-cold heart

If alone a heart must last
Sustained by dreams and hope of chance
Then will poison run its race
To pierce the depths of lover’s chase

My heart is cold for want of warmth
Suppressed by poison’s dreaming storms
The love I feel is ice indeed
For true love dreams can never be

In dream-world’s dancing deathly hell
I pin my life to wall of shell
Lay trapped in head and icy heart
Alone until the fires start

95.

Hidden Screams in Floating Dreams


In dreams I find the lie I love
To float and fly in silent hope
Life-world hoping, soon to die
And dream-world living’s gentle lie

Yet silent dreams must come to pass
And life’s cruel chest must one day close
The key to life unknown by love
Lies scared and shattered, drowned in blood

94.

Tempus Fugit


Gently tortured, love departs
To fill my life with poison darts
To keep in view the hated truth
That lie of love alone won’t sooth

Enforce a life away from love
And bring me kiss from scarlet dove
In red blood running’s hated cry
The love that now alone won’t lie

93.

In Love I Found a Song to Sing


Lifelong dreaming, bleeding hearts
Softly tortured, love departs
In sight of sound but yet unheard
-Golden-haired my secret lord
With mind controlled by heart so strong
Sing endless longing’s hidden song

92.

Dance With Me




Dance With Me

In sunrise sparks and break of day

Dance With Me

In golden glow and fields of hay

Dance With Me

At sunset’s peak and twilight past

Dance With Me

In starlit love that long will last



Lets Dance

Together

As One

91.

Shot



Flying high on cloud of hope
Icarus soaring, can’t elope
For plans and life not set in stone
Fall burning cruel now left alone

Shot down fast by change of want
Let down soon and now I can’t
Can’t live a life with smile on face
Can’t fight to stay in earthly race

A hopeful future runs away
Stays ahead but one more day
Forever fleeing life’s cold grasp
Shot down plans alone will last

90.

Tomorrow’s Hands




Days gone by are blurred and scarred
By choices false and life so hard
Today was set by future’s past
But tomorrow keeps my future’s chance

89.

Timeless Wondering


Deathlong dreaming, life departs
In broken dreams and sullen hearts
A sinful pleasure, deathly love
Now beckons me to scarlet dove

In lifeline scarred by words of hate
And deathscar lined by turn of fate
I turn to life not full of joy
But partial hope that I might fly

Into years of crumbling pain
Now cast a shadow back again
Through my years of pain inside
Back to time before I cried

88

Me



I'm the one you would not see
Who's hiding in the heart of me
I hide my truth and show the mask
Of ‘James Morrice’ that soon must pass

I'll speak with you, but not before
You say a word, I'll answer sure
Ignore me still, I'll carry on
My silence - love yet still unknown...

I fought for life and all but died
In years now past, I played the bride
Divorced myself and start anew
With hope and dreams that WILL come true

I kissed a boy and found the light
Now fly and flow in queer delight
The search for love has left me lost
Must I alone now turn to dust?

Eighteen years is far too long
But how much more must I go on?
To find my dreams just out of reach
And death's pure kisses soft and sweet