Thursday, December 21, 2006

53.

Return


Back here where I started
Been here once before
Sitting here and Screaming
Crying here and Dying

Love lost deep in endless shadow
Hope held tight in death
Rising here and Falling
Standing here and Lying

Lost alone in doubtful hoping
Waiting silent, never seeing
Sitting, Standing, Dying Cry
Scream and Whisper. Away I Fly

Thursday, November 23, 2006

52.

One True God?


‘One’ God – Three parts you see
Scattered on wind and earth and sea
Blindly seeing all choices made
Silently commanding their servants to pray

One saviour, dead and living still
Now honour his sweet sacrifice
Scream and flee from futile fakes
From torture, idol, and black death worship

Come to us, my children
We don’t worship icons of torture
We don’t eat flesh, drink blood
We don’t chant and sway in controlled rhythm

Hopelessly controlled in every ‘choice’
You cannot say we worship death
With rituals bled into bleeding stone
And priests who rape and steal and kill

No. We’re Christian.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

51.

Untitled



The final leaf of winter
Tumbles from her bed
Torn by screaming doubt she wanders
Blown by vicious winds of hunters

Plummets softly as a stone
Gentle as a blade of steel
Swift to earth she makes her way
Full of dreams of better days

Strikes not ground but cold hard flesh
To lie immortal, swathed in blood
A memory fading soon to dust
And hope as fiery as Snow White’s crust

From pristine shirt the stain it spreads
And holds the suit-like shroud it dyes
To promise – never let my heart again
Lie wounded, broken, left unseen

Lips soft parted, poised for breath
Match blue eyes now turned to grey
Icicle eyes that pierce the mind
And leave the living far behind

Thursday, November 09, 2006

50.

…ily



Have you heard my unsaid words?
The ones I’m scared to say.
And do you answer just the same?
Words silent as a thund’rous wind.
A wind of words to change the world
Three little words to say so much
Three simple words. So far. So near.
The causes of my nightly tear.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

49.

icicle eyes


Icicle eyes that pierce me through
Icicle eyes. Clear, not blue
Cutting straight through my foggy head
Leading my thoughts (straight to bed).
Please spare my heart and look away
I’ve bled too much for you today...

Saturday, September 16, 2006

48.

Colours


Green are the shadows
Purple is the night
Black are the desperate tears
Fleeing from Pink plight.
Amber is the soul that mourns
Scarlet is the heart
Golden are the hopeful dreams
Showing what we aren’t

Sunday, August 20, 2006

47.

Undead


Try to sleep, nothing comes
No fast release, no dreamy charms
I close my eyes to escape the pain
But see you over. Here. Again
Haunting my life, and now my dreams
Over and over. Or so it seems

46.

Acid Pain




What do you do when you just want to die?
What do I say? What, Should I lie?
Should I say ‘I’m fine’ and hide my pain?
Should I turn my tears into acid rain?
There’s no hope for the blind un-dead
There’s no chance, ‘cos I never said
My dreams and hopes held deep inside
Shown only by the tears I cried
Silent tears of acid rain
Thunderous tears of acid pain.


45.

To an Emo Eye



What lovers lie
in your unloved eye?

What secrets hide
in your hidden eye?

The tears you cry
from your emo eye

They fall like rain
from a secret sky

44.

Dreaming Dead



I stand up tall on a slipp’ry slope
A mountain made of desperate hope
There! You’re standing right before me
Yet, as ever, you ignore me
I reach out, but you’re not there
There’s nothing there but smokey air
I stand there crying. My hope subsides
I’m left to store my pain inside
The nightmare now controls my mind
As hope is left so far behind
The mountain crumples down to nothing
Washed away by tears I’m crying
Another day. Another dream.
Never-ending. Or so it seems.

43.

Vengeance For My Suicide



My Scarlet Dove has fled the nest
Now I must track her down
I must avenge this brutal cruelty
That ripped her from my dying hand

My Scarlet Dove was all I had
She held my hand and gave me hope
I knew when it became too much
She’d rescue me, and set me free

But ‘kindly souls’ took ‘pity’ on me
And ripped her from my hand
They saved me from a ‘greater evil’
By condemning me to hell

Vengeance For My Scarlet Dove!
I vow on hope of death
Beware you stupid ‘kindly souls’
For ‘saving’ me, you’re dead.

42.

Lament


It’s a crying shame I cry for you
When I know I’ll ne’r be yours
When I know I’ll never hold you tight
And cry long on a starlight night

I want to –
NO! Resist the urge!
Ignorance is bliss, or so they say
Let him be happy, and never say

You never knew, you never will
The dreams I cry alone for you
The dreams that die as each new tear
Explodes against a cold stone floor

Will my red tears now do the same?
Will releasing them release the pain?
The pain of unrequited love
Burning in my Scarlet Dove

It’s a crying shame love causes pain
And you’ll cry for me. Too late, I fear. I’m gone.
I cried for you, for only you
I cried for you, now cry for me.


41.

Exam


The hand ticks slowly round the face
Shuddering to that final second
Dragging me closer, tick by tick
“Nearly time” I tell myself

The fingers round my pen are slick with sweat
A cold panic inside. I scream.
Drowned out by scratch of pen
No-one hears

“Time” is called
I close the paper, hand it in
I can only hope
The worry continues…


40.

Together / Alone


I sit once more where we once sat
So long ago. Together.

I order food as we once did
So long ago. Together.

I lie in bed like we once lay
So long ago. Together.

I remember how we spent those nights
So long ago. Together.

I hold the pain inside my heart
Right here and now. Forever.

I feel your words burn through my soul
Right here and now. I’m dying.

I sit and cry for the one I loved
So long ago. Alone.

39.

For Loving You


For loving you, I’m torn inside
A lie? The truth? I can’t decide
For loving you, I’m scarred for life
Just wanting it to be ‘all right’
Just longing you to share my life
We’re diff’rent, I know
Too diff’rent for love
I sit and dream…Forever…again

38.

Lethal Weapon


I feel my end is near, you know
A feeling inside, down below
Below my silent heart it lies
Hidden, Screaming, Loud it cries
Scolding me for lack of hope
Telling me that I can’t cope
The feeling grows, invades my mind
Nothing good is left behind
More and more melancholy,
I start to die. Slowly. Slowly.
First my heart, and then my mind
My little red tears aren’t far behind.

37.

I’m Sorry



I’ve a secret I never told you
I’ve a truth I always hid
I lied
I’m sorry

I’m not a perfect, model student
I’m not as good as you
I lied
I’m sorry

I’d like to tell you my heart’s desires
I’d like you as a friend
But I lied
And I’m sorry

I’m sorry for what I didn’t say
Like when I said “I’m fine”
I lied
I’m sorry

I said I’ll hand it in tomorrow, Miss
I said “I’ll see you later”
I lied
I’m sorry

I said I’d never slit my wrists
I said that’s in the past
I Lied.
I’m Sorry.

36.

Neverland


I’ll never reach my Neverland
I’m trapped for e’er in hell
This earthly hell of cold, dry tears
Of a lifeless existence
Of loving hatred

I’ve never said the things I dream
I’ve never laid bare my soul
My naked soul will perish with ease
In a freezing hell
Of murdering truthfulness

My dreams ARE my Neverland
I fly there every night
“Second star to the right”, they say
“Then straight on ‘till mourning”
-All happiness dies in my day

I want to go to Neverland
And never go away
I want to live out all my dreams
In my life, every day

But Neverland’s a dream-world place
And I know that in my heart
I can visit for a few short hours
And then it’s time to cry

I’ll meet my Neverland in the end
My last breath will speed me on
To Neverland, then and forever,
The beginning. The end.

35.

Palabras de Sangre


He’s just a lonely poet at heart
And his heart lies on the page
The words flow from his pen as blood
His wholesome being in every one

A never-ending stream of words
Floods out from his mind
For a thousand years, his red tears
Have scorched the frail white sheets

But now he’s bled his body dry
No more tears- he no longer cries
No longer cries in salty words
No longer screams in bitter verse

Nothing left to write about
Nothing to distract his mind
Alone he cried
Alone he dies

34.

Caller in the Night


I sat alone late last night
My knife poised o’er my wrist
No thoughts had I but suicide
No dreams save of eternal sleep

A ringing tone- the funeral march
Wakes me from my daze
An incoming call – a listed number
A lifeline to a wider life

We sat for half an age or more
Chatting the night away
Morning came, a darling flame
And severed our sightless sightline

So until next time,
Night or day
I say goodbye
And close my eyes

33.

Postcard

Life is so temporary
But I realise too late
Just how I need you
Your joking, your traits

All the thinks that make you you
-That made you you- now no longer
No longer a jibe at my new girlfriend
No longer a joke ‘bout how you want her

I’d give you her in a heartbeat now
If you could stay on earth
For a week, a day, a minute or less
I would grant you any wish

But you have died
And for weeks I’ve cried
So until we meet again my friend
C u l8r m8

32.

“But why don’t you drink?”


I don’t drink, my secret love
For fear of what I’ll say

For fear that I’ll release the gates
And tell you that I’m gay

And tell you that for four long years
I’ve loved you from afar

That long afar, miles and miles
The miles between our one shared desk

The reason I don’t drink, my love?
I’m scared to make the jump

Scared of how you might react
Scared that you’ll say NO!

Long-distance love is best I think
To save us both the pain

So in every dream, I say the reply
“I love you”………… the end

31.

Effect

There’s this guy at school, like
I can’t recall his name
He looks a bit too bright, like
But I like him all the same

I’ve never heard him laugh, like
It’s really rather strange
But I’ve never seen him cry, like
Just somewhere in between

I’ve never heard him speak, like
I don’t know what he thinks
He’s never said a word, like
I think he needs a shrink

No-one really likes him, like
He’s never had a friend
I don’t say that I hate him, like
He’s…just not my friend

Until that day
A small bomb dropped
Until that day
I said “I’m gay”

He took on the whole school, like
All in one fell swoop
Taunting him, and teasing, like
“Faggot! Queer little fuck”

Now I like him more, like
He’s really rather brave
He’s showed that he’s the strongest, like
Strong because he’s gay?


Until it all became too much
The teasing, lies, irrational hate
In my final, written goodbye
I’ll blame you, who were never there

Through my wrist
My knife I’ll run
To my end
Swift I’ll flee

When I’m gone
Then you’ll be the one
Who’s left alone
Who neither cries nor laughs…
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There was this guy at school, like
I can’t recall his name
He couldn’t take the pressure, like
Now I feel just the same

I should’a been his friend, like
I should’a helped him out
Now he’s dead and gone, like
Lonely, ‘till the end

I cannot take the guilt, like
I cannot take the pain
Of knowing I did wrong, like
My doing not a thing

Soon I’ll be dead and gone, like
I know it won’t be long
I’m running out of blood, like
I’m nearly, nearly gone

So for my final written goodbye
I’ve one single request
That ...................................

30.

To a Friend


Little moments
Slivers of happiness
A little laugh
A tiny joke
A friendly face
These little moments
Keep me sane
Keep me alive
So to you all
You little memories
You living hope
To a Friend

Thank you

29.

New Year


I didn’t make a resolution this year
And only I know why
Whilst my family partied, drinking sherry,
I sat alone, not quite so merry
That niggling thought lurking in my head
-That this time next year, I’ll be dead.
Not a car, a crash, my head through the window
But my knife, my wrist, my blood to stain the floor
I didn’t make a resolution this year
I think it’s quite unfair
To make a promise I can’t keep
-To live another year

28.

My Decaying Heart


At every turn, a piece breaks off
Every time, a new hole is made
Another pit of deathly depression
Another vast chasm n’er to be filled
With every love, another wound
With every failed hope, death comes closer
The blade ‘comes friendlier
The end more comforting
A chicken-wire heart can hold no love
No place for warmth, no place for hope
So flow my tears, my pretty red tears
And restore my heart to me

27.

The Wind of Words


Rows and rows of shining candles
Splutter in the inky blackness
Each one a hope, a desperate ambition
Each one spluttering, fading, dying.
One by one the candles die
Their sooty vestiges floating away
-The last remains of my driving force
Dispersing on the putrid wind
-The Wind of Words
Your heartfelt words of malice and cruelty
Of hatred, scorn and unknowing sincerity
My hope is gone, snuffed out by the roaring wind
Speeding from your gun-barrel mouth

The Wind of Words

26.

Single Thought

I remember a time
Long, long ago
No worries had I
Not a care in the world

Then you came along
Clouding my mind
Confusing my thoughts
Making me cry

This one single thought
Destroyed my peace
Am I gay?
Or am I straight?

These long years
You’ve tossed and turned
In my troubled mind
Blinded by confusion, I’m scared

You’ve destroyed my life
And made me hide
From family and friends
A stranger in my own life

Who’d have thought
One single thought
Could destroy my
Simple life?

25.

Lonely

A lonely world
Full of life
A silent world
Full of sound

Alone in a crowd
Dead in my heart
Lost in my head
Alone in my life

Home from school,
Silence greets me
No loving arms,
No warm embrace

Back at school,
Silence greets me
No joking laughter,
No friends

Loneliness
My deep-scarred past
My silent cold future
Alone

24.

Unknown

Looking at you
I cannot tell
No clue in your face
-In the eyes I cannot see

Brown or Blue?
I cannot know
For if I look in
You will know

Will you hate me?
For loving so quietly?
All these past long years
Without a word to you

I love you
Yet I can’t know you
I’m scared of you
But Why?

Is it better to love
In silence and solitude?
Or to have loved and lost
Because you know?

Are you straight?
Or are you gay?
How do I tell?
There’s no way

That tiny unknown fact
Holds my love for you
Keeps it hidden
Keeps me safe?

With silent love
And tortured tears
-Your unknown admirer

Do you love him to?

23.

My Future’s Past



In my head
-No regrets
In my heart
-Endless dread

My Future’s Past
Haunts me still
Opportunities seen
But never fulfilled

Future hope, Future chance
Has slid still further
Back into my
Ne’r-ending Future’s Past

22.

You

My life is a torment-
A wounded soul
Stabbed daily by
Your wond’rous beauty

That ever-tangible beauty,
That I cannot tough
I see you every hour of every day
You even haunt my dreams

Killing me quietly-
Your angelic halo of golden hair
Your ice-blue eyes- the window to
Your gentle soul- the soul that I can never see

You sit by me, I inhale your scent
I die of happiness every time
You smile at me, or say ‘hello’
-The never-time when we’re alone

You cannot love me, this I know
Your friends hate me, this I know
You have a choice- your friends,
Or an unknown admirer, dying daily for your love…

-me

21.

Mask


On the surface-
Cool and Calm
Collected, Together,
Un-fazed by life

Beneath the mask
The emotions roar
A whirling torment
Of pain and worry

A living nightmare
A boiling sea
Of burning depression
Of glorious suicide

My friends, they cannot know
The hell that lurks in my soul
I’m safe, dying behind
My iron-strong Mask

20.

The stars are bright tonight

The stars are bright tonight
Twink’ling down from their heavens
Smiling at the sorry world below
“Don’t worry” they sing, “Don’t cry“

On the sorry earth below,
The dark-haired youth gazes up
Looking deep into the glittering blackness
Unsmiling, he cries softly

On the sorry earth below,
The fair-haired youth gazes up
Looking deep into the glittering blackness
Unsmiling, he cries softly

Ignorant each one, of the other’s quiet existence
Ignorant of someone to whom they can confide
Ignorant of their true destined love
Softly, they cry… Alone

The stars, in their infinite wisdom
See their pain, their lonely despair
Gently, they sing, sending their twink’ling magic
Winding down to the sorry earth, and these two boys

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The stars are bright tonight
Twink’ling down from their heavens
Smiling at the healing world below
“Don’t worry” they sing, “Don’t cry“

On the healing earth below,
The two youths sit together
Looking deep into the glittering blackness
Uncrying, smiling widely.
Together in Love

19.

Distant Love


Fire, Fire, Burning Bright
In the darkness of my heart
Watching you, most perfect boy
I’m gazing from afar

Watching, waiting, always there
Careful, careful, never stare
The adoring eyes you do not see
Watching from afar

Scorned and ignored, the love I show
You never care how much I know
I love you, I love you
All this time I’ve loved you

I love you, I love you
What? Can you not see?
No
You don’t care ’bout me

18.

My Saviour


The black mists swirl around my mind
My deep, dark depression closes in
I sink down, twisting and corkscrewing
Deep into the murky abyss of my emotions

You reach in and grab me close
The light of your purity shines bright
Banishing the swirling black mists
To far from my frail mind

You save me
Time after time
Your goodness is my saving grace
Thank You

17.

Break Free

I’m struggling, kicking and flailing
I’m screaming inside, and crying
I have to break free

My head breaks the surface
Now the test- Can I stay afloat?
Or will I sink back down into my abyss?

Beneath me, those long, green, putrid tentacles
Reach up and grab me hard
Those vile fingers of my past

With a vice-like grip, they begin to tug,
Pulling me back to the deep blackness
-The dark abyss of my memories

NO!
You can’t drag me down again
NO!
You can’t control my life again

I’m running free now
Free from my tears, from all my pain
I’m free. Now and for ever…

16.

I Sit Alone

Night falls, day breaks
Night after night, day after day
Week after week, month after month
Year after year

I sit and watch the sun live
I sit and watch the sun die
I sit alone
I sit quite alone

Year after year, month after month
Week after week, day after day
Hour after hour
I sit alone

15.

To Dad- Why?

“Why are you gay?”
“Why do you sin?”
“Why do faggots roam God’s earth?”
“Why don’t they just die?”

Why do you hate me so?
What have I done to you?
Why do you try to kill my love?
Why do you hate me?

-I’m your son

14.

My Trappéd Heart

My heart is a cage of hardened steel
My love lies held in chains
Behind those thick steel bars

With chains of fear
With chains of worry
Formed and moulded by endless years
Of hatred for my kind

The work of the homophobes shows
In those knotted black chains
Keeping my from loving
Keeping me from living

The bars are restraints I’ve made myself
To stop their hate at me
I cannot show the love in my heart
I cannot live my one true life

Why this hatred at how I love?

13.

Red Tear

A little red tear falls from my wrist
That gleaming drop of all my pain
That glistening vial of all my suff’ring

She falls, spinning for eternity
Through the silent air
The hard floor meets her and she breaks

Shattering to a thousand pieces
Spreading to a thousand places
My pain disappears

My little red tears fall from my wrists
Their escape, my release…and now,
The End

12.

The End

The running red is draining from my wrists
The swift darkness closes in
My pain is gone
Farewell
My misery is over
Farewell
My life is gone

The End

11.

Little Line


The bladed jewel of red
Falls from my knife
Dropping to the floor
Running far away

The single gleaming line
Runs across my wrist
The long road of pain
The hard trail of suffering

There, that single little line
The one release for my life’s pain
And through this final little gateway
My red pain drains away

10.

Alone

I’m Alone
-No-one sees me

I’m Alone
-No-one hears me

I’m Alone
-No-one cares about me

I’m Alone
-Left only with my tears

9.

Lonely Tear



A lonely tear falls down my cheek
Alive with pain and sadness
And in that glittering little sphere
Our past shows, shining bright and clear
A window to another place
To one past happiness, to one past love…
A lonely tear falls down my cheek
- All the pain and hurt you caused
Now washing away

8.

So Close


You sit next to me in math
You stand in front of me in line
You live opposite me in town
-Yet you cannot see me

I help you in our science class
When you get things wrong
“Thanks” you say, when no-one can hear but me
-You cannot be seen with me

You pass me in the hall, you with all your friends
“Hey” you say, “Jaime…”
You said my name! My heart lifts up
“…is there a test today?”
My heart sinks back down
“Yes” I say. You walk away, you with all your friends
Leaving me alone

For three long hears I’ve watched in hope
For three long years you’ve passed me by
For how much longer must I cry?

7.

Trapped

My friends look at girls
“Wow! Nice arse…nice tits”
But my eyes are drawn to my friends
Nice arse… nice pecs

They cannot know the secrets I keep
My desires for my friends, not their girls
I’m forced to say “Yeah, she’s fit”
All the while thinking “Yeah, you’re fit”

My friends, they cannot know
I’m trapped-
Tell the truth
Tell a lie

I’m torn – my heart cries
Truth!
My head cries
Lie!

Be honest or be safe?
I say nothing,
Safe in the torment
That is my closet

6.

Defiance

Listen!
- Can you hear it?
Look!
- Can you see it?
The Truth
- Who we are

Listen!
- We’re not crying
Look!
- We are happy
The Truth
-Who we are

Don’t change happiness
Don’t make sadness
The Lie
- That we’re ‘wrong’

We won’t be changed
You can’t change us
We Know
- Who we are

We are Happy, Secure
We are Comfortable
-We know who we are
You won’t change us

EVER

5.

My Depression

Black as the night
Silent as a cloud
Stealthy, Creeping
Stalking me relentlessly

Unseen, Unwanted
Unasked, Uninvited
Still it comes
Still it comes

Washing like waves
Lapping at the shore
My Depression
Sweeping over me

Again and Again
Over and Over
Pushing me down
Further and Further
Into the dark abyss

4.

Pride


Red, Orange, Yellow
Green, Blue, Purple
The rainbow arcs
High into the sky

Red, Orange, Yellow
Green, Blue, Purple
The rainbow flag
Flutters in the wind

Under both
The two youths lie
With separate pasts
With an identical future together

The love that binds them
Supports and strengthens them
No pain can hurt them
No terror can scare them

Immortalised by love

3.

Nightmare


At night, all is silent
At night, all is still
Birds, animals, people too
All lay down to rest

Under the stars, the campers lie
Up in the mountains, high in the sky
Three lay down to rest their heads
But one lies awake, filled with dread

For at night, the nightmares come
For at night, the terrors start
Steely-eyed, with poison in their whisp’rings
They circle on dark clouds of night

Closer…closer…here they come
His eyelids shut, the terrors start…
A wild scream echoes through the night
Heard only by the one in plight

Behind his eyelids, the images flash
He sees, as he has seen so many nights before…

****************************************

They turn the corner, hand in hand
The two youths, immortalised by love
They do not see the path they tread
Or see the homophobes waiting up ahead

A glint of steel.
The flick-knives flash
One, Two, the blades stab down
Three, Four, they’re back for more

Crimson, Scarlet, Shining, Glistening
The blood begins to pour
Gushing, Spurting, out all on the floor
No-one comes, no-one cares
-It’s just two little faggots
Caught unawares


In the mountains, the birds rise up
Squawking, Screaming, Frantically Flapping
On the leafy floor, three shoulder packs
Three head back to civilisation

In a gully, part covered by mould
The last looks eternally upwards, fast growing cold
Unblinking, Unsmiling, lips drawn back in an endless scream
The glistening red congeals on his chest…


Oh well, that’s one less faggot in the world
So who cares?......

2.

To the Homophobes



For all the lies you spread
-Thank you

For all the hurt you cause
-Thank you

For the endless, endless suffering and pain
-Thank you


Human beings need a challenge
And our challenge is You

Give up this fight or soon you’ll see
We’re far stronger than you

You’ve bullied us through history
Telling us we’re ‘wrong’

Telling lies, spreading hate
Turning people against us

We never have, and never will
Give in to your hate

This battle for our right to live, we will win
And you will lose


That’s My Promise To You

1.

Break the Fear
The membrane of my heart is but bound tight in iron
Layer upon Layer of cold, hard iron
Encompassing, Circling, never drawing breath
Choking me, Squeezing me, never letting go


The warmth of my heart is but bound tight in iron
Layer upon Layer of cold, hard iron
Cooling, Extinguishing the fire in my heart
It Traps me, Controls me, never lets me love


The emotions that I feel are but held tight in iron
Bars upon Bars of cold, hard iron
Keeping me, Holding me, never lets me live
Never lets me live, and never lets me die


Like iron are my fears, my fears are like iron
Holding me, Scolding me, “never think like that!
They’ll kill you right away if they know that you’re a Fag!”
Let me live, Let me love, why are you still here?


***********************************************

Your iron fears are cold and hard
But even you can break with ease
That iron shell that holds you in
The doctors help you do not need- nor even that of a scientist


All you need is self-belief
Not a counsellor, not a priest
You are You
And That is That


Those that don’t believe in you
-Push them from your mind
Those that cannot love you
-Leave them all behind


Come to us, we’re here for you
Love and trust to you we’ll give
Your friend,
The Gay community